Hearing about how charming future tormentors can be, women get upset. They ask - is it impossible to tell the difference and avoid a humiliating relationship in time?
Fortunately, most tormentors give warning signals before hitting the gas. Recognizing these signals should be part of every teenage girl's education.
1. He speaks disrespectfully of previous partners
It's understandable that people worry, and he may share with you the pain and bitterness of former breakups. But be careful if he's too focused on that, or tells you too early in your acquaintance.
Pay attention to whether he talks abusively about previous girlfriends, whether he presents himself as a victim. Pay special attention to accusations of your ex-wife or partner in false accusations about his propensity for violence - in the vast majority of cases, these "accusations" are completely justified. Look for a way to hear her side of the story. Even if you don't believe what she tells you, you will have important information about what kind of behavior he should expect and be wary of.
Do not believe it when they tell you that you are fundamentally different from all the previous women, that you are the first one who treated him well, and that before no one understood him. It makes you work very hard to prove to him that he's right, and you're already trapped - very soon you hear about yourself, "You're just like everybody else!". His value system ensures that no woman is any good when she is with him.
There are other cases - all the previous women were better than you. You shouldn't even try to change his mind here, it's a futile endeavor.
Pay attention also, whether he takes some responsibility for the rupture of the previous relationship, or thinks that this is entirely the fault of the ex-girlfriend.
2. He's disrespectful to you
Humiliation grows on disrespect, like on black earth. If he ignores your opinion, rudely you, especially in front of strangers, interrupts or ridicule - all this is a sign of disrespect. If it happens all the time, and when you try to complain, he defends his methods of conversation, a humiliating relationship is not far off.
Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, where you are put on a pedestal and dusted off. A man who does this to you is preoccupied not with you, but with his fantasies, and as soon as it turns out that you do not match his fantasies, he becomes very unpleasant.
Whether a man looks down at you or up at you, he equally demonstrates an inability to perceive you as a living person.
3. He does you favors you didn't ask for and then makes such a spectacle of it that it makes you uncomfortable
He is trying to make you feel indebted to him. One of my clients the first couple of years of dating his girlfriend all the time helped her relatives - fiddled with his brother's car, repaired his sister's apartment, drove his dad to the doctors. When the family became concerned a few years later about the way he was treating their daughter and sister, he easily convinced her that they were just using him. This helped him ruin his girlfriend's relationship with her family, and she wasn't able to understand his manipulation until years later.
4. He's controlling you
One client, his girlfriend told me, always came on a date with a plan worked out - now going out for drinks at the Three Horses pub, then dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and tickets to the circus for the evening. At first she liked that he planned so carefully, but noticed that he was completely uninterested in where she wanted to go, and pretty soon he began to resent her loudly whenever she wasn't in the mood to spend time exactly according to his plan.
Controlling always starts subtly - comments about your clothes ("too revealing" or "too old-fashioned"), comments about your friends and relatives, entreaties to quit or switch jobs, too much advice about how you should live your life, plus some irritation when you find yourself disagreeing with everything.
5. He's a proprietor
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that humiliation awaits you. Ownership passes itself off as love: "I'm sorry I acted so ugly, but I love you like I've never loved anyone before, I just couldn't see you talking to that guy.". It may even be flattering - he's crazy about you! But you can get mad in less destructive ways, too.
Jealousy as a feeling is different from jealous behavior. Anyone can feel some insecurity in certain situations. But if he demands that you give up your freedom to socialize to appease his jealousy, you can be sure that more will follow.
6. He's never guilty of anything
This same type of man makes and breaks promises, always finding a good reason that is more important than your disappointment.
7. He's pressuring you about sex
This warning signal is especially important when it comes to teenagers. Disrespecting your desires shows that he is exploiting you. If he demands sex as proof of your love for him, show him where the door is.
8. The urge to move quickly into a serious relationship
With so many men afraid of commitment, moving quickly to plan a life together without getting to know you better is not a good sign either. It is an attempt to quickly tie your hands and feet. If your opinion in this matter is not listened to, problems are just around the corner.
Humiliating relationships - how to avoid them
9. He blackmails you when he's angry:
- He's blocking your path, holding you back, and otherwise restricting your physical freedom;
- He says he's "just trying to get you to listen to him."
- He swings his fist or otherwise at you;
- He makes threatening remarks like, "You'll be sorry," "It won't be pretty."
- he drives dangerously when he is angry;
- He bangs on walls and doors;
- He throws things, not necessarily at you.
Don't let yourself be lulled into thinking "if it gets worse, I'll leave.". It gets worse, and it gets harder to leave every day.
10. Double standard. He has different "rules" for himself and for you
11. He speaks disparagingly of women in general
12. He treats you very differently in the presence of other people
13. There is the impression that he is attracted to weakness
Among my clients, there are those who are attracted to women who have recently experienced trauma; some even begin by helping women break up with their former tormentor partners, only to take their place.
On the other hand, quite a few tormentors are interested in strong and successful women. Men of this type feel more significant when they manage to take control of a confident and successful woman.
No one disputes the fact that in almost any relationship there are moments when people yell at each other. All people, men and women, sometimes call their partner unflattering names, interrupt, are too busy with themselves, or are insensitive to what is going on with their partner. Such behavior should certainly not be encouraged, but it does not always mean a degrading relationship, and far from always leads to the same consequences.
All these actions are humiliating when they are part of the pattern. It is unpleasant when people yell at each other, but not all families end up creating such a burdensome environment as in the tormentor's home.
Main theses:
- Offensive behavior is caused by worldview, not emotion. Ownership, self-confidence, and control are the roots, trunk, and branches of this tree.
- Humiliation and respect are antonyms. A tormentor cannot change unless he gets rid of his inability to respect his partner.
- The tormentors are much more aware of what they are doing than it may seem. But even the less conscious elements of their behavior have the same roots and motives.
- Tormentors don't want to behave differently, and they can't. They are not ready to give up control.
- You are not insane. Trust your eyes and feelings when it comes to your partner's behavior toward you.
Hearing about how charming future tormentors can be, women get upset. They ask - is it impossible to tell the difference and avoid a humiliating relationship in time?
Fortunately, most tormentors give warning signals before hitting the gas. Recognizing these signals should be part of every teenage girl's education.
1. He speaks disrespectfully of previous partners
It's understandable that people worry, and he may share with you the pain and bitterness of former breakups. But be careful if he's too focused on that, or tells you too early in your acquaintance.
Pay attention to whether he talks abusively about previous girlfriends, whether he presents himself as a victim. Pay special attention to accusations of your ex-wife or partner in false accusations about his propensity for violence - in the vast majority of cases, these "accusations" are completely justified. Look for a way to hear her side of the story. Even if you don't believe what she tells you, you will have important information about what kind of behavior he should expect and be wary of.
Do not believe it when they tell you that you are fundamentally different from all the previous women, that you are the first one who treated him well, and that before no one understood him. It makes you work very hard to prove to him that he's right, and you're already trapped - very soon you hear about yourself, "You're just like everybody else!". His value system ensures that no woman is any good when she is with him.
There are other cases - all the previous women were better than you. You shouldn't even try to change his mind here, it's a futile endeavor.
Pay attention also, whether he takes some responsibility for the rupture of the previous relationship, or thinks that this is entirely the fault of the ex-girlfriend.
2. He's disrespectful to you
Humiliation grows on disrespect, like on black earth. If he ignores your opinion, rudely you, especially in front of strangers, interrupts or ridicule - all this is a sign of disrespect. If it happens all the time, and when you try to complain, he defends his methods of conversation, a humiliating relationship is not far off.
Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, where you are put on a pedestal and dusted off. A man who does this to you is preoccupied not with you, but with his fantasies, and as soon as it turns out that you do not match his fantasies, he becomes very unpleasant.
Whether a man looks down at you or up at you, he equally demonstrates an inability to perceive you as a living person.
3. He does you favors you didn't ask for and then makes such a spectacle of it that it makes you uncomfortable
He is trying to make you feel indebted to him. One of my clients the first couple of years of dating his girlfriend all the time helped her relatives - fiddled with his brother's car, repaired his sister's apartment, drove his dad to the doctors. When the family became concerned a few years later about the way he was treating their daughter and sister, he easily convinced her that they were just using him. This helped him ruin his girlfriend's relationship with her family, and she wasn't able to understand his manipulation until years later.
4. He's controlling you
One client, his girlfriend told me, always came on a date with a plan worked out - now going out for drinks at the Three Horses pub, then dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and tickets to the circus for the evening. At first she liked that he planned so carefully, but noticed that he was completely uninterested in where she wanted to go, and pretty soon he began to resent her loudly whenever she wasn't in the mood to spend time exactly according to his plan.
Controlling always starts subtly - comments about your clothes ("too revealing" or "too old-fashioned"), comments about your friends and relatives, entreaties to quit or switch jobs, too much advice about how you should live your life, plus some irritation when you find yourself disagreeing with everything.
5. He's a proprietor
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that humiliation awaits you. Ownership passes itself off as love: "I'm sorry I acted so ugly, but I love you like I've never loved anyone before, I just couldn't see you talking to that guy.". It may even be flattering - he's crazy about you! But you can get mad in less destructive ways, too.
Jealousy as a feeling is different from jealous behavior. Anyone can feel some insecurity in certain situations. But if he demands that you give up your freedom to socialize to appease his jealousy, you can be sure that more will follow.
6. He's never guilty of anything
This same type of man makes and breaks promises, always finding a good reason that is more important than your disappointment.
7. He's pressuring you about sex
This warning signal is especially important when it comes to teenagers. Disrespecting your desires shows that he is exploiting you. If he demands sex as proof of your love for him, show him where the door is.
8. The urge to move quickly into a serious relationship
With so many men afraid of commitment, moving quickly to plan a life together without getting to know you better is not a good sign either. It is an attempt to quickly tie your hands and feet. If your opinion in this matter is not listened to, problems are just around the corner.
Humiliating relationships - how to avoid them
9. He blackmails you when he's angry:
- He's blocking your path, holding you back, and otherwise restricting your physical freedom;
- He says he's "just trying to get you to listen to him."
- He swings his fist or otherwise at you;
- He makes threatening remarks like, "You'll be sorry," "It won't be pretty."
- he drives dangerously when he is angry;
- He bangs on walls and doors;
- He throws things, not necessarily at you.
Don't let yourself be lulled into thinking "if it gets worse, I'll leave.". It gets worse, and it gets harder to leave every day.
10. Double standard. He has different "rules" for himself and for you
11. He speaks disparagingly of women in general
12. He treats you very differently in the presence of other people
13. There is the impression that he is attracted to weakness
Among my clients, there are those who are attracted to women who have recently experienced trauma; some even begin by helping women break up with their former tormentor partners, only to take their place.
On the other hand, quite a few tormentors are interested in strong and successful women. Men of this type feel more significant when they manage to take control of a confident and successful woman.
No one disputes the fact that in almost any relationship there are moments when people yell at each other. All people, men and women, sometimes call their partner unflattering names, interrupt, are too busy with themselves, or are insensitive to what is going on with their partner. Such behavior should certainly not be encouraged, but it does not always mean a degrading relationship, and far from always leads to the same consequences.
All these actions are humiliating when they are part of the pattern. It is unpleasant when people yell at each other, but not all families end up creating such a burdensome environment as in the tormentor's home.
Main theses:
- Offensive behavior is caused by worldview, not emotion. Ownership, self-confidence, and control are the roots, trunk, and branches of this tree.
- Humiliation and respect are antonyms. A tormentor cannot change unless he gets rid of his inability to respect his partner.
- The tormentors are much more aware of what they are doing than it may seem. But even the less conscious elements of their behavior have the same roots and motives.
- Tormentors don't want to behave differently, and they can't. They are not ready to give up control.
- You are not insane. Trust your eyes and feelings when it comes to your partner's behavior toward you.